what I need.

I need to get this off my chest. I hurt inside. I always feel better when I can arrange and write my feelings. when I can read it back to myself and start feeling better from just finally letting it out. I haven’t written more than cryptic facebook posts in more than a year. I have so much bottled up I may explode. Or hemorrhage (one of my deep down fears by the way.)

I know when I’m being talked about. Not 100percent certain but 1000 percent certain. Well 99 percent certain. Does this make me narcissistic to think people really spend their time to discuss my affairs? I know it certainly makes me insecure to think certain people are talking bad about me when I’m not there. But what if I’m right? am I still insecure. Yes because I am an insecure person. period. I have been as long as I can recall. Maybe not always. As a child I was always quiet. However up until the 6th grade I can now look back and know I distinct didn’t care what others thought of me. I was too wrapped up in my own head, my own thoughts. I do remember not being able to speak up for myself then though. That has also been a life long (23 years) battle.

So my best friend isn’t my friend anymore. I decided she’s not. I don’t need her. I’m very adamantly trying to push her away like I’ve done so many friends before. I don’t really and truly have any female that I’m close to at this moment other than my younger sister. It sucks but I am used to it. I haven’t had any close honest to god girlfriends since I left New York when I was 16. My best friend and I still stayed close though I must admit. The only one that survived. Now I  don’t really see anything worth fighting for in whats left of our friendship. I want to move on, move up. I know I’m really gonna sound like a narcissist but I’m above her. I don’t want to be involved in the things that interest her. And the truth is shes never been interested in anything that I have ever done unless it involved her. Our friendship has been onesided since we were 13. Back when I felt lucky to be her friend. Now ten years later and I’m exhausted.

She’s not going anywhere though. She’s made new friends but still trys to call me (when she’s bored). But isn’t that what friends do?

Sometimes I really truly hate the person I am. I am almost 24 years old and feel like an adolescent still. I still find it hard to voice my feelings and opinions. I still let others speak for me. I still don’t feel like an adult woman. I live in my own place with my fiancé. Drive. Work to pay (or not pay) bills. I still don’t feel like an adult woman. Except when it comes to being a mother.

Miyah. My love for all eternity. My beautiful, feisty, blossom. She will be sure of herself. She will be strong willed . She will be unafraid. everything that I am not. She brings bliss to my life. Joy that sometimes doesn’t feel real.

That is all for now.